so simple yet so profound. i found freedom in a purchase so simple to most. for me the simple act of buying those trash bags meant i was making a decision on something that i wanted, all by myself. no more immediate thoughts of what would tyler think, what does tyler, would tyler like it, would tyler hate it, would tyler bitch about it - it wasnt about tyler. it was about me. that is freedom.
i opened up a bank account in just my name. i know i am going to put money in it that i earned. money that i will use to pay my bills. i wont have to account for it to anyone. i will pay the bills when they are due and when i have the money. i will not ride my ass 20 times a day to ask if i paid the car payment with money that i dont have. i will trust me to not lose the home that my children live in. i will have faith in the fact that if i want air conditioning i will pay my electric bill. that is freedom.
my house is clean. i wanted it clean, therefore i cleaned it. there were dishes in the sink, so i loaded up the dishwasher. i didnt yell at me. i didnt gripe at me. i just did them, when it was convenient. i didnt have to have them done by a certain time or before a particular meal. i just did them when i needed to. the kids helped me pick up the living room because i wanted the toys put away. they didnt have to worry that anyone was gonna yell because the house was a mess. that is freedom.
i stood by my decision that time is what we need. i didnt give in when there was remorse. i didnt cave when there was tears. i didnt doubt me cuz this might be hard. i trust me. im going to get reacquainted with me. that is freedom.
That is a pretty amazing yet simple post! I'm really proud of you. I almost cried when reading it! I KNOW you will do a good job at keeping your home afloat and your children happy. You ARE an amazing, beautiful, smart and resourceful woman.
ReplyDeletePS- Those trash bags are great!
Good for you! Last year I almost went through a similiar thing.... I went alone and got a bank account, and put money into it that he didn't know about.... and got a minutes phone, just for me! And made arangements to leave if I had to... and then laid sooo many things on the line. Luckily he agreed to try and things have been getting better, but if it didn't I was perpared. I was also a secondary life. Not allowed to go to school or have a job I chose or things would fly. I didn't know you were going through this.. If you ever need someone to talk to email me for my tele number :) Love the trash bags.
ReplyDeleteYou can do it! Something Dad said to me (the night before he died) when Kenny and I were splitting up went something like this:"He thinks you can't do it by yourself. He thinks you can't survive without a man and we didn't raise you to need a man for everything."
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