a stitch in time

i had the realization of finality yesterday. i mourned for what wasnt and what i wanted. i played sappy music on my radio in my car while i was driving and allowed myself to be transported. i reflected on the views of love that i created many years ago. what do those mean to me today? that is the big question.
can the idea of love that i always pictured be wrong? could all of the love songs in the world, both about heartbreak and about the success be wrong? is it possible for those ideals to be something of a falsehood that sets my exceptions too high?
i grew up watching my parents love each other. i was never diluted into thinking they never fought. i know they did. i know their faults but i always knew they loved each other. it was the way they did things for each other. they way they talked to each other. they way they talked about each other. their love was always clear.
tylers love has never been clear. im a verbal person. i talk and express myself with words. him not so much. i know that actions can speak louder than words, but even in his actions he seemed to be screaming help me get out of this relationship.
i remember our wedding night. no, this is not x rated or anything of the sort. but our wedding night, he had a panic attack and freaked out that we got married. our engagement was almost 9 mos long. the wedding plans came almost as soon as he proposed. he still couldnt believe we got married. i tried my best to comfort him through his hard time all the while putting my own feelings of inadequacy aside. i dont know how much of his attack actually had to do with me but it felt like it was about me. i wasnt good enough. i wasnt what he wanted. i wasnt enough. and that is the theme of our marriage. that is the feeling i was always trying to beat.
i never felt or heard tylers love as i had seen others express theirs. i heard his words and his emotions when he talked about his parents and brother. i could see it on his face when it comes to our children. that lack of is what this is all about.