the past that still haunts me

tonight im sad. i dont know why. i just know i miss my husband. what im missing hasnt been present for a long time but its really starting to set in that i may never get it back. i was looking at our wedding day dvd not so long ago and it made me cry. tyler was in the house with me at this point but i felt such sadness for us. i watched the couple on the screen and their was such love in our eyes. watching alex get married this weekend and seeing the joy that she felt made me remember. i remember that joy. i remember that complete happiness. i think at my wedding and reception i didnt stop smiling once. i was on a cloud so above nine.we were really best friends. i could and would talk to him about everything. we would stay up late just talking until we feel asleep. we would discuss our days, our make believe children, our future, the world, dinner, whatever. he was my everything.

when did it change for us? when did we go wrong? where was that moment in time that changed everything? i wonder if its possible to pin point that exact time in our lives when we changed the we to him and i? what good would that do though?
am i sad because reality is setting in? am i sad because im finally mourning what isnt? i thought i was doing that already. or at least had done that. maybe not. maybe ive been so angry lately and on the defensive about everything that has transpired in the last year or two that i havent been able to see anything else.
i know he talks about the old us. how he misses that. i do too. can you go back? is it possible to fix it? can it be fixed? or could we just be two people who got married at 21 and now they are 27 almost 28 and just not be compatible?
is compatibility with out work though? can you make it work when you are different people? can you work on something when the scars run deep? how do you heal the scars?

good times

i have never been away from my kids overnight, except when lila has stayed with my mom for a sleep over. i dont quite think that counts too much though, cuz it is my mom. i finally experienced life with out children for a short time. me, little ole girl from farm country usa was loose in nyc - brooklyn and manhattan specifically (btw yes i learned all about the sub areas of nyc. its not just the city, its also neighborhoods, boroughs, and areas. ps no i would not pass a geography test if quizzed later what the deal is with the city and the areas).
first stop brooklyn. that is where the beautiful bride, alex got married. it was the BAM - brooklyn academy of music. so very fancy. it looked like a wedding you would see on a tv show where fancy people where. haha its okay that im that dorky to think that.
Alex was gorgeous. i have never, ever seen her so happy! she was glowing and looked like she was having the time of her life. the wedding was totally her, all the way. i am honored to have been apart of her special day. to be able to share in that moment with her and steph was incredible. the two of the three girls i have been friends with almost my entire life, there arent words to describe how awesome it was to be there for alex.the band they had playing was a group called, vampire weekend. personally, im not cool enough to have heard of them. but there is a youtube.com clip i found on them.

sunday, i cruised nyc. i had a nyc bagel cuz they are supposed to be the best ever - well the one i had tasted just like any other bagel at a bagel shop. apparently, though i should have gotten the bagel in the village? okay well next time. took the subway finding "n" "r" and "q" trains. btw - no i was not in charge of directions in case anyone was concerned. spent some time shopping in fielines (okay no i have no idea how to spell it) basement. scored myself a cute purple patten leather purse by nine west along with a new wallet, also by nine west (there nancy, im not using the stupid wallet you gave me all those years ago. nancy = mil). went to FAO schwartz and got the kids some old time toys - drum, wind up train, a recorder and a harmonica! i dont care they love it and it doesnt require batteries so that means no haunted toys when the stupid batteries die!
finally at about 4:30 i was like okay i think we should head back to the car. i knew i was gonna hear about it. sure enough - tyler calls.
where are you?
walking to the car.
what?!?
walking to the car. we are gonna be leaving in like 10 mins.
did it ever occur to you that i might have something to do tonight?
oh well. im sorry. we just met up with carols friends who she hardly sees. we are leaving now. do you want me to call my mom and have her come over?
*humph* no! but that means you wont be home until late. i was going to do something.
okay. do you want to call my mom? she will come over?
no. whatever. so are you really leaving now or are you leaving in an hour?
leaving now tyler. just getting the car loaded up. we are gonna be on our way in like 10 mins.
fine.

gee thanks. way to make me feel bad. cuz really when was the last time you ever had to watch the kids by YOURSELF for more than an hour max? oh wait thats right never. you've NEVER been the only person to watch both kids all day long. my bad. sorry for making you watch your kids for once. wont happen again.
i would also like to thank you for allowing the kids to destroy my room. get into my stuff and dump things all over my bedroom. i also appreciate the fact that you didnt pick up after the kids. toys all over the living room. clothes that i just washed that were in the dryer are now on the floor. both sinks full of dishes. those things just made my night. so glad you could help me out there.

once upon a time

there once was a girl who was taught to be herself, to stand up for herself, to not care about what others thought of her, and to love herself. that little girl was a good actress. she pretended to be those things outwardly. she tried to believe them inwardly. she spoke her mind. she gave her opinion. she was who she was. inside she was sad.
the other boys stayed away. some were turned off by her ability to articulate herself, others where scared of her looks, but the ones that sought her always wanted something from her. those were the ones she should have ran from. then one day she met a nice boy. he seemed to possess all that the others who came before him lacked. he was gentle and sweet, loving and kind, patient and appreciative. the things about the girl that she herself was insecure about he seemed to love the most about her.
maybe they didnt let young love develop as slowly as it should or maybe they were too different even in the beginning but the turmoil was there as well.
two sparing personalities. ying and yang. but at the end of every day they laid their heads together on their pillow and their bodies complimented one another. her head always fit perfectly on his shoulder. they could always fall asleep okay next to each other.
the fairy tale turns into a nightmare somewhere along the lines. to pinpoint it exactly is impossible. to find the antagonist would not be simple. somewhere things changed. did the girl change? did the boy change? did they change together but apart? can love that started so pure and simple be found? or is that like chasing that shooting star?

stregthen in my genes, my jeans just make my big look fab

ive often wondered where that characteristic comes from. to me its got to be the same as stubbornness and perseverance and humor. there has to a nature link to it. i forgot about my nature link until the other day. it was a nice reminder.
my lovely aunt took me down memory lane. told me more about where my inner strength came from. i come from a long line of strong ladies. my great grandmother, only called granny jones, was a hero in my mind growing up. i dont have the pleasure of remembering her but the stories my family told me about her always made me feel like i do. my mother loved that woman so very much. to hear about her and who she was always gave me goose bumps. during a time in the 50's when women where women and not supposed to be strong, they were supposed to be weak and subservient granny jones was none of those things. she made the decision to leave her husband, even when she had four children because she had enough. he beat her. he cheated on her and was all around a pretty sorry excuse for a dad and husband. granny jones did the unthinkable all those years ago and said im not doing it anymore. packed up and her kids and left. on her own she survived. she took care of her kids. she supported her kids. she did everything a mother and father did and then some. she was a wonderful mother and grandmother. to know her was to love her.
in fact she was the reason that my mom and another aunt met their husbands. well actually i think it was granny jones' cooking. she never gave up. she never wallowed in self pity. she kept on keeping on. her blood runs through me. i know she is watching me from above and telling me to get off my duff and move it. to know that a woman like her could do it with twice as many kids, makes my journey seem more manageable.
this is for my woman that came before me. this is for my woman that came after me. this is for me.

i knew a panic attack was coming

reality has finally arrived. i am all alone. im not talking about my kids. im talking about me. its only me i can depend on. i am very happy to be away from tyler. i feel as though a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. i feel free. i also feel panic. what if hes right?
he told me as recently as last night - i cant do this by myself. i cant pay the mortgage and all the other bills that make up this house. its not possible. hes been telling me that for a long time. i cant make it with out him. i need him to pay the bills. where else am i gonna find anybody who will work their ass off while i sit at home all day? you think you can find somebody else like that? go right ahead. i know ive heard that conversation at least a hundred times.
i am now scared. very scared. what if i do need him? i dont want to need him. i want to be away from him. i want to make it on my own. i wonder if that means if i have to sell my house will i do it? is that the cost? am i willing to sacrifice that? just so i can see if i can be without him? am i choosing to purposely harm my children because i am selfish? am i selfish?
is all this in vain? am i vain? could i be wrong in denying my kids the ability to have a house that has a mom and a dad? is having them miss him, right?
oh what a web we weave.
i hope this is a normal part of the process. a normal reaction. a normal side effect. normal questions. answers will come in time.

i know why britney shaved her head

i feel that way right now. shave the head. start over. cleanse. regrow. restart. rejuvenate. okay maybe im giving that britney too much credit. it still would feel great. of course, after the fact i would have such remorse. i chopped off some of my hair and i had remorse after the fact. okay well every time ive cut my hair ive regretted it later. note to self - stop cutting your freaking hair. just let it grow and grow and grow some more.
at this exact moment, i just want to have that cleansing. a complete turn around and have a fix for every feeling that my body is making me experience right now. my mood is so reflective right now of my own inner turmoil. i was supposed to get paid today for my last sale and apparently the fiance company got the memo that is was screw with karisa week so its having issues with the application and now the buyer is annoyed. which also means that i didnt get paid for that sale today. i was supposed to deliver the rest of the another customers order today but it wasnt in. now i get to tell them that news.
i also had to speak with my mil today. i had that pleasure because tyler said he was going to take her phone as he left it on the back of his truck yesterday and drove off. now its on the side of the road somewhere. since he lost his phone, my job was to replace his. i got the duty of finding out what phones he could get, how much they cost, how long they take to deliver and then realizing that he spent all the money in the checking account yesterday for the materials of his latest job, the choices were narrowed down even further. i waited for his call to let me know what was going on with the money and finally after no word from him, i call his mothers phone. good news galore! she answered the phone. sweet. just my luck. this also comes after my mom told me that she had a talk with tyler and his lovely mother is the one that said to him - why should you have to move out? its your house. you've been paying for it. right lady. im a lazy worthless woman who mooches off her husband and doesnt do a damn thing. oh wait im sorry thats you and im gonna add at least i shower. so there. (insert a mental pic of me sticking my tongue out and giving the finger - yup thats exactly how mature i feel right now)
she was at least falsely pleasant. one word from her i would have promptly sicced my dad on her. hes been waiting years to rip her a new on for that crap she pulled on me from before we got married. she did however tell me i should still pick up a new phone for tyler even though i wasnt able to talk to him. yeah its sooooo my responsibility.
and theres more! unfortunately, for you all its not a special offer that you get if you call in the next 10 mins. tyler asked me if there was someone else. yeah because thats what this is about. im making him leave and stay away from his house because i found a new love but im just blaming it on the fact that hes a royal jerkwad. right. i so have the inclination of dealing with a new man when i have two toddlers and a pain in the rear man in my house. thats what im going looking for, tyler. you caught me. secret lover you can come out now. the jig is up. tyler caught on to us. tyler really is a fantastic husband who makes me feel like the luckiest woman on earth. i should be so proud and honored to make his dinner every night and pay all his bills for the stuff he works for, oh and lets not forget; i am blessed to raise his children and teach them everything they know since he goes out and works all day. silly me.
donations to get me to shut up can be made via my refrigerator in the form of sam adams octoberfest

insantiy is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results

whats mine is his and whats his is mine. thats how the whole marriage thing works. we sacrifice. we grow. we change. we persevere. we pick each other back up. we lean on each other. we are one. we are together. a ying and yang.
i believe each of those are fair statements. i believe each of those is a right of passage for a partnership. all of those together allow a marriage to work. the children are not the reason that marriages work. to live together so you can see your children will not make your marriage work.
yet, this evening tyler said i should at least let him sleep on the couch. its not fair that he doesnt get to be with the kids. he shouldnt have to be outta his house - that btw he paid for all those years. he gave me a list of reasons that he should be here. not a single one was about me and us.
he missed that mark. i showed him that. i told him that. i drew a picture and highlighted it with fluorescent marker. he still didnt get it. i could have added a blinking neon arrow to and i dont think it would have helped him get it.
well i dont want to stay at my parents house.
so go to my aunts house and stay in her apartment.
but XXXXX
a reason for everything.
why is it a hard concept that i do not want him home until i can say - yes, i want to be married to this man for the rest of my life? i cant even say i want to be married to him at the end of the year. how is it fair for our children to have him come back home, only to have everything resurface? how is it fair to me? i dont want to do it anymore!!
i dont want to live with a person who has made it clear, over and over and over again some more, that he does not like me. i dont care if he is sorry that he exploded beyond explosions on monday. i dont care. monday was just one more day in a life that was miserable. so what if he is sorry. what does that mean anyway? according to the track record he has given me - im sorry = tell her whatever she wants to her so i dont have to listen to her mouth, crap she caught me screwing up, or the rare occurrence of okay maybe she actually has a point, but only this one time.
why should he get off so easy? why should he be allowed to come back into my heart right at this minute just because he misses his kids? his kids dont have anything to do with me as his wife except i gave birth to them.
once again, its still not about karisa but about "mom."
thanks for making me feel just like always tyler.

a stitch in time

i had the realization of finality yesterday. i mourned for what wasnt and what i wanted. i played sappy music on my radio in my car while i was driving and allowed myself to be transported. i reflected on the views of love that i created many years ago. what do those mean to me today? that is the big question.
can the idea of love that i always pictured be wrong? could all of the love songs in the world, both about heartbreak and about the success be wrong? is it possible for those ideals to be something of a falsehood that sets my exceptions too high?
i grew up watching my parents love each other. i was never diluted into thinking they never fought. i know they did. i know their faults but i always knew they loved each other. it was the way they did things for each other. they way they talked to each other. they way they talked about each other. their love was always clear.
tylers love has never been clear. im a verbal person. i talk and express myself with words. him not so much. i know that actions can speak louder than words, but even in his actions he seemed to be screaming help me get out of this relationship.
i remember our wedding night. no, this is not x rated or anything of the sort. but our wedding night, he had a panic attack and freaked out that we got married. our engagement was almost 9 mos long. the wedding plans came almost as soon as he proposed. he still couldnt believe we got married. i tried my best to comfort him through his hard time all the while putting my own feelings of inadequacy aside. i dont know how much of his attack actually had to do with me but it felt like it was about me. i wasnt good enough. i wasnt what he wanted. i wasnt enough. and that is the theme of our marriage. that is the feeling i was always trying to beat.
i never felt or heard tylers love as i had seen others express theirs. i heard his words and his emotions when he talked about his parents and brother. i could see it on his face when it comes to our children. that lack of is what this is all about.

i was liberated by trash bags (that is freedom)

so simple yet so profound. i found freedom in a purchase so simple to most. for me the simple act of buying those trash bags meant i was making a decision on something that i wanted, all by myself. no more immediate thoughts of what would tyler think, what does tyler, would tyler like it, would tyler hate it, would tyler bitch about it - it wasnt about tyler. it was about me. that is freedom.
i opened up a bank account in just my name. i know i am going to put money in it that i earned. money that i will use to pay my bills. i wont have to account for it to anyone. i will pay the bills when they are due and when i have the money. i will not ride my ass 20 times a day to ask if i paid the car payment with money that i dont have. i will trust me to not lose the home that my children live in. i will have faith in the fact that if i want air conditioning i will pay my electric bill. that is freedom.
my house is clean. i wanted it clean, therefore i cleaned it. there were dishes in the sink, so i loaded up the dishwasher. i didnt yell at me. i didnt gripe at me. i just did them, when it was convenient. i didnt have to have them done by a certain time or before a particular meal. i just did them when i needed to. the kids helped me pick up the living room because i wanted the toys put away. they didnt have to worry that anyone was gonna yell because the house was a mess. that is freedom.
i stood by my decision that time is what we need. i didnt give in when there was remorse. i didnt cave when there was tears. i didnt doubt me cuz this might be hard. i trust me. im going to get reacquainted with me. that is freedom.

Does a name matter?

i used to have one. maybe about 8 years ago or so. it was karisa. then i became wife, hey, the old lady, and most recently mom. now my kids have always called me mommy or mamma, depending on who is doing the talking, but my husband - well he seems to have forgotten my name. he never understood what the big deal was. to hear him refer to me as karisa was always few and far between. random strangers have even told him how ridiculous it was to call me mom, but he never paid them any mind.
now hes gone for now, i am again karisa. i love my name. it is me. although, going for long as someone else, i think ive forgotten who she is. ive been told what she is by others. sometimes i like who the describe, others not so much. im taking my identity back. welcome to my journey.