Writing is freedom

i forgot i wrote.  i forgot how freeing it is to put down into words the thoughts that fly through your head.  to put pen to paper, err fingers to letters.  somehow the simple act of verbalizing your feelings somehow frees you from the chains that the thoughts become.
to say life has been a bowlful of cherries since the last time i typed here would be a lie.  to say it was a miserable existence would be very far from the truth as well. however, the most accurate description would have to be that i have learned so much about myself and who i am as a person.  i am no longer only left with how others describe me.  i have found some new adjectives for myself about myself.
my name is not mom.  however, being mom is the most important thing in my life.  every single action i do during the day and night is about my kids.  i am far from the most perfect example of what to do.  i have learned plenty about what not to do.  my goal is always what is in the best interest of my kids.  as long as i keep that in my sights, im doing well.
finally, divorced the man i thought i would spend the rest of my life with.  i still live with my parents.  i only work part-time.  and i am navigating the world of girl friends.
those are my truths today.  the truths for the future will be i will have my own place at the begining of july.  i will be employed either full time or with two part time jobs, starting in the month of july.  i will still be navigating the world of girl friends.
in fact, i think woman who date men who are divorced should come with books.  nothing long and complicated, just a novella to give the ex some background.  the ex should also have the same.  a mutual exchanging of background.  then everyone can live happily ever after and act like grown ups.  until then, i shall just try and do my best to be the best i can be and not let any of them mess up what i am about or who i am.

the past that still haunts me

tonight im sad. i dont know why. i just know i miss my husband. what im missing hasnt been present for a long time but its really starting to set in that i may never get it back. i was looking at our wedding day dvd not so long ago and it made me cry. tyler was in the house with me at this point but i felt such sadness for us. i watched the couple on the screen and their was such love in our eyes. watching alex get married this weekend and seeing the joy that she felt made me remember. i remember that joy. i remember that complete happiness. i think at my wedding and reception i didnt stop smiling once. i was on a cloud so above nine.we were really best friends. i could and would talk to him about everything. we would stay up late just talking until we feel asleep. we would discuss our days, our make believe children, our future, the world, dinner, whatever. he was my everything.

when did it change for us? when did we go wrong? where was that moment in time that changed everything? i wonder if its possible to pin point that exact time in our lives when we changed the we to him and i? what good would that do though?
am i sad because reality is setting in? am i sad because im finally mourning what isnt? i thought i was doing that already. or at least had done that. maybe not. maybe ive been so angry lately and on the defensive about everything that has transpired in the last year or two that i havent been able to see anything else.
i know he talks about the old us. how he misses that. i do too. can you go back? is it possible to fix it? can it be fixed? or could we just be two people who got married at 21 and now they are 27 almost 28 and just not be compatible?
is compatibility with out work though? can you make it work when you are different people? can you work on something when the scars run deep? how do you heal the scars?

good times

i have never been away from my kids overnight, except when lila has stayed with my mom for a sleep over. i dont quite think that counts too much though, cuz it is my mom. i finally experienced life with out children for a short time. me, little ole girl from farm country usa was loose in nyc - brooklyn and manhattan specifically (btw yes i learned all about the sub areas of nyc. its not just the city, its also neighborhoods, boroughs, and areas. ps no i would not pass a geography test if quizzed later what the deal is with the city and the areas).
first stop brooklyn. that is where the beautiful bride, alex got married. it was the BAM - brooklyn academy of music. so very fancy. it looked like a wedding you would see on a tv show where fancy people where. haha its okay that im that dorky to think that.
Alex was gorgeous. i have never, ever seen her so happy! she was glowing and looked like she was having the time of her life. the wedding was totally her, all the way. i am honored to have been apart of her special day. to be able to share in that moment with her and steph was incredible. the two of the three girls i have been friends with almost my entire life, there arent words to describe how awesome it was to be there for alex.the band they had playing was a group called, vampire weekend. personally, im not cool enough to have heard of them. but there is a youtube.com clip i found on them.

sunday, i cruised nyc. i had a nyc bagel cuz they are supposed to be the best ever - well the one i had tasted just like any other bagel at a bagel shop. apparently, though i should have gotten the bagel in the village? okay well next time. took the subway finding "n" "r" and "q" trains. btw - no i was not in charge of directions in case anyone was concerned. spent some time shopping in fielines (okay no i have no idea how to spell it) basement. scored myself a cute purple patten leather purse by nine west along with a new wallet, also by nine west (there nancy, im not using the stupid wallet you gave me all those years ago. nancy = mil). went to FAO schwartz and got the kids some old time toys - drum, wind up train, a recorder and a harmonica! i dont care they love it and it doesnt require batteries so that means no haunted toys when the stupid batteries die!
finally at about 4:30 i was like okay i think we should head back to the car. i knew i was gonna hear about it. sure enough - tyler calls.
where are you?
walking to the car.
what?!?
walking to the car. we are gonna be leaving in like 10 mins.
did it ever occur to you that i might have something to do tonight?
oh well. im sorry. we just met up with carols friends who she hardly sees. we are leaving now. do you want me to call my mom and have her come over?
*humph* no! but that means you wont be home until late. i was going to do something.
okay. do you want to call my mom? she will come over?
no. whatever. so are you really leaving now or are you leaving in an hour?
leaving now tyler. just getting the car loaded up. we are gonna be on our way in like 10 mins.
fine.

gee thanks. way to make me feel bad. cuz really when was the last time you ever had to watch the kids by YOURSELF for more than an hour max? oh wait thats right never. you've NEVER been the only person to watch both kids all day long. my bad. sorry for making you watch your kids for once. wont happen again.
i would also like to thank you for allowing the kids to destroy my room. get into my stuff and dump things all over my bedroom. i also appreciate the fact that you didnt pick up after the kids. toys all over the living room. clothes that i just washed that were in the dryer are now on the floor. both sinks full of dishes. those things just made my night. so glad you could help me out there.

once upon a time

there once was a girl who was taught to be herself, to stand up for herself, to not care about what others thought of her, and to love herself. that little girl was a good actress. she pretended to be those things outwardly. she tried to believe them inwardly. she spoke her mind. she gave her opinion. she was who she was. inside she was sad.
the other boys stayed away. some were turned off by her ability to articulate herself, others where scared of her looks, but the ones that sought her always wanted something from her. those were the ones she should have ran from. then one day she met a nice boy. he seemed to possess all that the others who came before him lacked. he was gentle and sweet, loving and kind, patient and appreciative. the things about the girl that she herself was insecure about he seemed to love the most about her.
maybe they didnt let young love develop as slowly as it should or maybe they were too different even in the beginning but the turmoil was there as well.
two sparing personalities. ying and yang. but at the end of every day they laid their heads together on their pillow and their bodies complimented one another. her head always fit perfectly on his shoulder. they could always fall asleep okay next to each other.
the fairy tale turns into a nightmare somewhere along the lines. to pinpoint it exactly is impossible. to find the antagonist would not be simple. somewhere things changed. did the girl change? did the boy change? did they change together but apart? can love that started so pure and simple be found? or is that like chasing that shooting star?

stregthen in my genes, my jeans just make my big look fab

ive often wondered where that characteristic comes from. to me its got to be the same as stubbornness and perseverance and humor. there has to a nature link to it. i forgot about my nature link until the other day. it was a nice reminder.
my lovely aunt took me down memory lane. told me more about where my inner strength came from. i come from a long line of strong ladies. my great grandmother, only called granny jones, was a hero in my mind growing up. i dont have the pleasure of remembering her but the stories my family told me about her always made me feel like i do. my mother loved that woman so very much. to hear about her and who she was always gave me goose bumps. during a time in the 50's when women where women and not supposed to be strong, they were supposed to be weak and subservient granny jones was none of those things. she made the decision to leave her husband, even when she had four children because she had enough. he beat her. he cheated on her and was all around a pretty sorry excuse for a dad and husband. granny jones did the unthinkable all those years ago and said im not doing it anymore. packed up and her kids and left. on her own she survived. she took care of her kids. she supported her kids. she did everything a mother and father did and then some. she was a wonderful mother and grandmother. to know her was to love her.
in fact she was the reason that my mom and another aunt met their husbands. well actually i think it was granny jones' cooking. she never gave up. she never wallowed in self pity. she kept on keeping on. her blood runs through me. i know she is watching me from above and telling me to get off my duff and move it. to know that a woman like her could do it with twice as many kids, makes my journey seem more manageable.
this is for my woman that came before me. this is for my woman that came after me. this is for me.

i knew a panic attack was coming

reality has finally arrived. i am all alone. im not talking about my kids. im talking about me. its only me i can depend on. i am very happy to be away from tyler. i feel as though a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. i feel free. i also feel panic. what if hes right?
he told me as recently as last night - i cant do this by myself. i cant pay the mortgage and all the other bills that make up this house. its not possible. hes been telling me that for a long time. i cant make it with out him. i need him to pay the bills. where else am i gonna find anybody who will work their ass off while i sit at home all day? you think you can find somebody else like that? go right ahead. i know ive heard that conversation at least a hundred times.
i am now scared. very scared. what if i do need him? i dont want to need him. i want to be away from him. i want to make it on my own. i wonder if that means if i have to sell my house will i do it? is that the cost? am i willing to sacrifice that? just so i can see if i can be without him? am i choosing to purposely harm my children because i am selfish? am i selfish?
is all this in vain? am i vain? could i be wrong in denying my kids the ability to have a house that has a mom and a dad? is having them miss him, right?
oh what a web we weave.
i hope this is a normal part of the process. a normal reaction. a normal side effect. normal questions. answers will come in time.

i know why britney shaved her head

i feel that way right now. shave the head. start over. cleanse. regrow. restart. rejuvenate. okay maybe im giving that britney too much credit. it still would feel great. of course, after the fact i would have such remorse. i chopped off some of my hair and i had remorse after the fact. okay well every time ive cut my hair ive regretted it later. note to self - stop cutting your freaking hair. just let it grow and grow and grow some more.
at this exact moment, i just want to have that cleansing. a complete turn around and have a fix for every feeling that my body is making me experience right now. my mood is so reflective right now of my own inner turmoil. i was supposed to get paid today for my last sale and apparently the fiance company got the memo that is was screw with karisa week so its having issues with the application and now the buyer is annoyed. which also means that i didnt get paid for that sale today. i was supposed to deliver the rest of the another customers order today but it wasnt in. now i get to tell them that news.
i also had to speak with my mil today. i had that pleasure because tyler said he was going to take her phone as he left it on the back of his truck yesterday and drove off. now its on the side of the road somewhere. since he lost his phone, my job was to replace his. i got the duty of finding out what phones he could get, how much they cost, how long they take to deliver and then realizing that he spent all the money in the checking account yesterday for the materials of his latest job, the choices were narrowed down even further. i waited for his call to let me know what was going on with the money and finally after no word from him, i call his mothers phone. good news galore! she answered the phone. sweet. just my luck. this also comes after my mom told me that she had a talk with tyler and his lovely mother is the one that said to him - why should you have to move out? its your house. you've been paying for it. right lady. im a lazy worthless woman who mooches off her husband and doesnt do a damn thing. oh wait im sorry thats you and im gonna add at least i shower. so there. (insert a mental pic of me sticking my tongue out and giving the finger - yup thats exactly how mature i feel right now)
she was at least falsely pleasant. one word from her i would have promptly sicced my dad on her. hes been waiting years to rip her a new on for that crap she pulled on me from before we got married. she did however tell me i should still pick up a new phone for tyler even though i wasnt able to talk to him. yeah its sooooo my responsibility.
and theres more! unfortunately, for you all its not a special offer that you get if you call in the next 10 mins. tyler asked me if there was someone else. yeah because thats what this is about. im making him leave and stay away from his house because i found a new love but im just blaming it on the fact that hes a royal jerkwad. right. i so have the inclination of dealing with a new man when i have two toddlers and a pain in the rear man in my house. thats what im going looking for, tyler. you caught me. secret lover you can come out now. the jig is up. tyler caught on to us. tyler really is a fantastic husband who makes me feel like the luckiest woman on earth. i should be so proud and honored to make his dinner every night and pay all his bills for the stuff he works for, oh and lets not forget; i am blessed to raise his children and teach them everything they know since he goes out and works all day. silly me.
donations to get me to shut up can be made via my refrigerator in the form of sam adams octoberfest