reality has finally arrived. i am all alone. im not talking about my kids. im talking about me. its only me i can depend on. i am very happy to be away from tyler. i feel as though a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. i feel free. i also feel panic. what if hes right?
he told me as recently as last night - i cant do this by myself. i cant pay the mortgage and all the other bills that make up this house. its not possible. hes been telling me that for a long time. i cant make it with out him. i need him to pay the bills. where else am i gonna find anybody who will work their ass off while i sit at home all day? you think you can find somebody else like that? go right ahead. i know ive heard that conversation at least a hundred times.
i am now scared. very scared. what if i do need him? i dont want to need him. i want to be away from him. i want to make it on my own. i wonder if that means if i have to sell my house will i do it? is that the cost? am i willing to sacrifice that? just so i can see if i can be without him? am i choosing to purposely harm my children because i am selfish? am i selfish?
is all this in vain? am i vain? could i be wrong in denying my kids the ability to have a house that has a mom and a dad? is having them miss him, right?
oh what a web we weave.
i hope this is a normal part of the process. a normal reaction. a normal side effect. normal questions. answers will come in time.
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You're not doing this in vain. You're not selfish. You're doing this for YOU, and in turn, that does it all for your kids. They need a happy mom, in whatever form that may come.
ReplyDeleteIt's normal.
ReplyDeleteYou are not selfish. You are one of the most selfless mothers I know.
Having a house with a mom and dad isn't worth it, if the mom and dad are unhappy and fighting and would rather NOT be in that house.
xxx
everything a mother does IS for her kids.
ReplyDeleteyou're far from being selfish, Kar. far from it.
*hugs*